Holding Joy and Fear in the Same Moment

By Katie Rea — spiritual director, writer, and companion for those listening deeply to life as it

“I have something for you.” My husband grinned as he handed me a magazine.

I glanced at the cover, Presence, the journal I had submitted an article to but never heard back from. I flipped through the pages and, sure enough, my name was listed as an author.

“No way! No freaking way!” I started jumping up and down, unable to contain my excitement.

“Yes way! Your article was published!” My husband hugged me, the magazine between us. “I’m so proud of you!”

Seeing my words in Presence: An International Journal of Spiritual Direction +Companionship, a publication connected to the work I felt a call in, felt like a moment of joy and grace. It was a small affirmation of vocation from the trade magazine from Spiritual Direction International, with whom I am affiliated.

 Savoring the Sacred Moment

My excitement quickly turned to the question of “What’s next?”

But a spiritual director friend and mentor encouraged me to “Hold Up!”

She encouraged me to pause. To take some time and savor this event. This wasn’t just a stepping stone to the next project, but a visitation.

Light a candle.

Sit with God.

Hold the magazine and slowly reread my words. Let the words speak back to me.

Let my gratitude, rather than my ambition, take over.

So, I took her advice. I sat with God in stillness. I allowed gratitude and thankfulness to fill my heart. I prayed, and I gently held the magazine. Eventually, I read the story and was grateful for the Holy Spirit’s guidance.  

The ritual reminded me to slow down and savor. Joy is a choice, and a spiritual anchor.

The Inner Turn: When the Shadow Speaks

Yet, when I started reading my article, my inner critic, a shadow-self, emerged. The voice in my mind started harassing me. My joy vanished, and my fear emerged.

 I should have used a better example in this paragraph.

I should have written that differently.

 I should have used a better example in this paragraph.

Oh, crap, am I bragging?

I did a ton of research, but should I have done more?

I was also nervous about what feedback I would get. Would people like it, dislike it?

Instead of savoring, I was criticising. I found my body shrinking inwardly.  Instead of allowing myself to enjoy my success, the fog of defeat settled in.

This is a familiar pattern for me; it’s a movement from consolation to desolation.

Joy turns quickly to panic.

My body goes from openness to constriction.

From gratitude to fear.

Naming the Pattern

Yet, I noticed the change within myself. I recognized the shift of my body, breath, and my thoughts. And in that simple noticing, I was able to pivot. I was able to catch myself spiraling downward in real time.  With that realization, I decided not to feed all the negativity.

My self-doubt led the reins under the guise of humility. Yet, it wasn’t humility at all. It was fear, a familiar old narrative trying to pull me back into smallness.

The truth was simple:

 It was an article I was proud to write.

 The “could have’s” and “should have’s” are past.

I cannot control how others respond.

I can only offer what is mine to give. I put a small piece of my soul into the writing, and I had the courage to share it. What’s written is written. If it’s imperfect, then it becomes part of my learning process. I wrote it from a place of calling, an offering.

What This Moment Means

I realized that sharing my real experience isn’t bragging or showing off. It is my testimony, my story to tell. It is in itself a spiritual companion in written form. It is the practice of naming where God has met me, challenged me, and invited me deeper.

Sharing my passion is not self‑promotion. It is participation in the ongoing conversation of spiritual direction, a conversation rooted in authenticity, vulnerability, and the courage to speak from the heart.

And that, I am learning, is worth savoring.

A Closing Invitation

As I continue to navigate the dance between joy and fear, I’m reminded that both are teachers. Both reveal something about the inner landscape of the soul.

So I invite you to reflect:

When have you experienced joy that quickly turned into fear? And what helped you return to gratitude?

Here I am playing with images with AI. Thanks, ChatGPT, for imagining me in the Regency Era. Haha!